Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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