Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
