i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
