i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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