somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
