dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
