HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
