Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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