My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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