i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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