So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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