I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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