Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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