Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
