If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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