my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
