my phone needs a breathalizer
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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