You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
