chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
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