I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
