My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I want a musical about memes.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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