So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
