Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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