i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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