K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize