did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
