I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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