Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
