in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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