Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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