I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
