we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
