i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize