Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Sorry my hands just texted you
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
