I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
