now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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