I wish I could teleport
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
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