No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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