How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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