I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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