I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
