community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I forgot wine drunk hurts
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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