He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
being pregnant is like rehab
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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