Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
