i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
