just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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