Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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