My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
The Olympian is in my bed
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