if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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