I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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