the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
