I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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