I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
