Someone shit on the floor
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize
