she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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