my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
We were destined to go to rehab together
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
