My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
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