dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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