Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
we're so committed to being not committed
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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