The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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