pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
