remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
