She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
